Why?
by white rose01
Summary: John reflects on a failed rescue and all the pain it brings. The only question in his mind is "Why" Chapter 2 now posted!
1. Default Chapter

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, its all the property of Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television._

AN: I have no idea where this came from, just a one shot. Any mistakes are mine and there a probably quite a few, 2am is not the time my brain is at its best! Reviews are, as always, welcomed and gratefully received.

Why?

The young man looked in the mirror and sighed. He stared at his reflection, noting the new lines and even a few strands of grey in his hair. He was in pain and in shock. He asked his reflection the question that was running through his mind over and over again, hoping for an answer.

"Why?"

No answer was forthcoming though. John ran his hands through his hair as he contemplated the days rescue.

It was always the failures that stuck with you. No matter how many successful rescues took place, no matter how many people were alive because of what he and his brothers did, it was the failures that they all remembered. That they went over thousands of times in their mind, wondering what they could and should have done different.

The rescue today had been soul destroying for them all. There had been an earthquake; a primary school had collapsed, leaving hundreds of children trapped. As soon as Alan had relayed the call from Thunderbird 5, they were off. They knew it was serious, Gordon and John had been ordered along to help Scott and Virgil and that never happened on the easier rescues.

Whilst he had been on Thunderbird 2, he and his brothers had gotten the full story from Alan, and immediately prepared themselves for the worst. Already fifty people had been confirmed dead, at least forty of them children. He sighed again, and moved away from the mirror. Stripping off his dirty uniform, he stepped into the shower, where his thoughts once again turned to the rescue.

The scene when they had arrived had been one of complete and utter chaos. There were screaming people everywhere, most of them children. Scott had been there for a good ten minutes before Thunderbird 2 arrived with the equipment, and he looked stressed and harried as he tried to get things organised. The rescues involving children were always worst. And with so many children trapped and running out of oxygen Scott had known from the start that it would probably end in tragedy.

Before Thunderbird 2 had even touched down, Scott was relaying orders, seeming to be multitasking about six different things. Local rescue workers were already on the scene and were working at freeing some of the trapped children, but the arrival of International Rescue with their specialised equipment had made the job a lot easier. But only physically. Mentally, it had been the worst rescue he had ever participated in.

Scott had directed each of them to a different area, and ensured that they had kept in constant contact via their watches.

"Careful Virge, that area might be a little unsteady, John, you should be directly over a classroom there, so watch where you're digging. Gordon, go left about 50 metres and you should be in or over a classroom."

The busy airwaves had gone completely dead minutes later though, when Gordon had announced in a detached, professional tone

"I'm in the classroom, negative for life. Repeat negative for life."

John remember drawing a shaky breath, knowing that Gordon was only just keeping it together, that his detachedness was his way of keeping it together for the time being. Based on his position, Gordon had been in a classroom that had had twenty kids in, all of them just seven years old.

That was just the beginning of it all. Virgil had found three survivors, one of them a teacher, Gordon had found another ten dead children and John himself discovered two classrooms full of children, seven survivors out of fifty people. These discoveries were announced without any emotion, they all knew that if just one of them had shown emotion, then it would have been too much. They just had to bottle it up and deal with it after the mission.

In one of the classrooms that he had checked he had found a child still alive, a girl of no more than six. He gently pulled her from the rubble, amazed to find one still alive in this hell. She had smiled at him, she had thanked him, called him an angel. She had died in his arms.

Tears poured down his cheeks and he slammed his fist into the wall of the shower. He lifted his face into the stinging spray of the shower, his tears mixing with the water. Gordon had tried to comfort him, telling him that he had helped the little girl, he had held her and saved her from dying alone. John shivered, dying alone was his worst nightmare, one that he frequently dreamt when he was up on Thunderbird 5. He remembered another failed rescue, where the guy had thanked him for not letting him die alone, for just talking to him. That was where his fear stemmed from.

John had only ever actively participated in a failed rescue once, it had been Virgil who'd had the man die in his arms on that rescue, and he had been distraught for days, turning to his music, his art and to Scott for solace.

Slumping down onto the floor of the shower, John thought about the different ways that they had of coping, on the rare occasions that International Rescue failed.

As soon as they had arrived home and finished the debriefing, Gordon had changed into swimming gear and jumped into the pool. That had been a few hours ago now, and he knew that Gordon would still be swimming, taking out his anger and his pain by swimming lap after lap.

Scott, or 'dad two' as he was sometimes affectionately known as, had disappeared back to his Thunderbird, his baby. He would be blaming himself for the hundred lives lost today, even though there had been little they could have done. The pain and the sense of failure was compounded by the fact that ninety of the dead were children, their lives cut off before they could reach their true potential. John knew that if Scott didn't reappear soon, Virgil would go and find him and talk it all through with him, as many times as Scott needed.

Alan had been lucky to be up on Thunderbird 5 for this mission, but knowing what his brothers had gone through, he was feeling some of the same feelings. John knew that Alan and Tin-Tin would talk long into the night.

All of the brothers needed their closest friend after a rescue like that. Scott and Virgil turned to each other, as did John and Gordon. They would talk it through by themselves, with their closest friend and the probably as a group unit, offering support where it was needed and taking support when it was given.

International Rescue had failed, and all of them would be beating themselves up inside for a while. Realistically they all knew that having a 100 success rate was impossible. But it didn't make the failures any easier, especially with a tragedy such as that day's rescue.

John wiped his eyes and turned off the shower. He pulled a towel around him, and stepped back in front of the mirror. He looked into his eyes, and saw that a little piece of him had died along with the little girl. He felt his eyes well up again and immediately forced the tears away. Tracy men didn't cry. He reflected on Gordon's words about saving her from dying alone, and to his surprise it gave him a little comfort. He thought about the people, the _children_, who had survived and how grateful they and their families were.

He stared at his reflection and nodded pensively.

"That's why we do it, again and again. For the ones who live and wouldn't have otherwise"

And with those last words to himself, he pulled on some clothes and trudged out his room. He needed his support group, just like they needed him.

His words echoed and were repeated many times over the passing days, it helped remind them why they did it, gave them reason to carry on. They all hurt, but they would survive with each other. The words became their mantra, providing some comfort in the pain that failure brought.

"_That's why we do it, again and again. For the ones who live and wouldn't have otherwise"_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: Thunderbirds is the property of Gerry Anderson and Carlton Television, unfortunately, not mine! _

AN: Well this fic was supposed to just be a one shot...but my muse had other ideas!I think that there will probably be another chapter as well, although if that comes to be is another story completely! Thank you to everyone who reviewed ch1, it is much appreciated. I hope you enjoy chapter 2.

Chapter 2

Padding down the hall, John passed Virgil, who was clutching a bottle of amber liquid and heading towards Thunderbird 1s bay. Virgil would find Scott, and with the help of the whiskey, get Scott to talk to him, just as John would try and get Gordon to talk. John knew that later the four brothers who were home would meet up and talk late into the night, but for now, they would each find comfort in the sibling they were closest to.

He paused as he passed Virgil, and passed a critical eye over his older brother. Virgil looked terrible, his eyes were red-rimmed and he looked ten years older.

"You look terrible Virge!" he blurted out, without really thinking.

Virgil gave a wan smile.

"Gee thanks!" he said jokingly. His tone and expression then changed to one of seriousness "You don't look that much better yourself though…you ok?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine," said John.

Virgil nodded. They both knew that it was a lie. No one would be fine after a rescue like that, John least of all. Virgil pulled his younger brother into a hug, internally sighing as he felt John shudder in an attempt to control his emotions. What John had experienced on the rescue was harsh by any of their standards, but it seemed worse to them all because it was John, the most inexperienced that had had to go through it.

John was the brother who had participated least in the rescues, due to him spending most of the year in Thunderbird 5. When he did participate in rescues, however, he performed as well as his other, more experienced brothers. His lack of rescue missions meant that he just hadn't had as much practice in handling the emotional fallout of a failed rescue.

Virgil released his brother and stepped back.

"Usual routine?" he asked.

John nodded

"Yup" he replied, "See you in about an hour"

It was Virgil's turn to nod. John then gave a small smile, which Virgil returned and they took their leave of each other, each heading off to their destinations.

John carried on down the hallway until he reached the lounge. He then paused on the threshold and looked round the darkened room. By the light of the moon he could make out his fathers desk, Virgil's grand piano, the portraits of him and his brothers. His eyes lingered longest on the portraits and he bit back a sigh.

He shook as his head as he heard the faint sounds of splashing coming from outside. Gordon was still in the pool, doing lap after lap after lap, if previous experience was anything to go by. The water was still Gordon's sanctuary, even after the terrible accident that had almost cost him everything.

John shivered as he remembered how close they had come to almost losing Gordon. Walking over to the balcony and looking out at his brother, still swimming, he was reminded again of what a remarkable recovery Gordon had made.

John wandered down the steps to the pool, and sat on the edge with his legs dangling in the water, waiting for Gordon to notice him. Gordon's concentration was so great that it actually took a couple more laps of the pool before Gordon actually realised that John was there.

"Hey Gordo, you gonna get out the pool anytime soon?" questioned John softly, once he had been noticed.

Gordon shrugged noncommittally and set off on another lap. John frowned slightly but sat back and looked up at the stars, content to wait until Gordon had finished. He located Thunderbird 5s position, and gave a mental wave to both his brother and his 'bird.

The sound of silence caused him to look back at the pool, where he found Gordon floating quietly in front of him, a sombre expression on his face.

"Are you ok, John?" he asked.

"Yeah I'm fine." John replied airily, "How 'bout you?"

Gordon said nothing; he just stared pointedly at John, who just met his gaze. Seconds ticked by, neither brother wanting to look away first. In the end, John could take it no longer and he turned his attention to the trees that grew close to the pool.

"John, are you ok?" Repeated Gordon.

"Yeah, yeah…well, no. Not really. Not at all in fact" he finally admitted.

Gordon nodded in understanding.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked carefully.

John sighed and ran a hand through his blonde locks, still damp from his shower.

"What's to talk about? International Rescue failed. _I failed_. I let you down. I'm only surprised it hasn't happened sooner"

Gordon shook his head, shocked at John's outburst.

"How can you say that?" he said angrily "how can you even think that? You didn't let us down, there was nothing else we could have done. We did everything we could, _you _did everything you could. No one could have done anything to save that little girl, you hear me? _No one._"

John swung his legs out of the pool and began pacing the perimeter, a range of emotions present on his face. He gave a low growl of frustration and slammed his fist into his hand. Gordon could see him waging an internal battle in an attempt to get his emotions under control, and suspected, correctly, that John had already released some of his emotion and frustration earlier.

Gordon pulled himself out the pool, water dripping off him, the moonlight highlighting the many scars that covered his body. John winced as he saw these scars, they were an all to constant reminder of what Gordon had suffered. Gordon had been lucky though, the little girl today had not.

John sighed deeply as Gordon grabbed his towel and came and stood by him. Gordon raised his eyebrows questioningly. John indicated Gordon's scars, and Gordon's expression became sad.

"I was lucky John, _very_ lucky. If International Rescue or someone like it had been around when the accident happened, I may not have been the only survivor. Jezz…the others may have made it as well."

John nodded, and wished fervently that there had been some such organisation, and that Jezz, Gordon's girlfriend had been saved. Gordon still nursed that wound, and John knew it would never fully heal.

Gordon shrugged, as if reading Johns mind.

"It could be worse." He said optimistically, "and now there is an organisation who saves people. When people have no other option, they turn to International Rescue. We rescue the people who would otherwise die. These rescues where we don't manage to save them all are not really failures, they're just tragic accidents. Believe me John, there was nothing you could have done. You just have to concentrate on the people you did save. Every rescue where not everyone was saved eats away at us all, you just have to look at the lines on Scott's face and the grey in his hair…mind you, he is getting on a bit!"

This last comment raised a smile on both brothers' faces. Scott was very touchy about his age, a fact that Gordon used against him mercilessly. But all jokes aside, the rescues were wearing on them all, giving them lines and the odd grey hair. But it reassured John to hear Gordon's words, remarkably similar to his own earlier thoughts.

"C'mon squirt, let's go inside. Virge and Scott will be waiting for us"

Gordon nodded and turned, only to be pulled back by John grabbing him into a crushing hug. Gordon immediately returned it, knowing that his brother needed the contact and the comfort of being held by someone. Gordon held him as long as he needed and then they both stood silent, feasting their eyes on the serene view of Tracy Island in the moonlight.

It was Gordon who moved first, shivering in the cool night breeze. He turned again and this time started walking, asking over his shoulder

"You coming John?"

John nodded and watched as Gordon walked into the villa. He nodded again as he looked out at the expansive sky and the bright pinpoints of the sky. He gave a real smile, a small one, but a real smile nonetheless and walked inside the villa.


End file.
